


Solas Explains

by GorillaInTheMist



Series: Elaine Explains It All...Sort Of.... [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Cullen is sad, Elias is pissed, F/M, Heartbreak, Imprisonment, POV First Person, Repentance, Sad, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Solas is sorry, Traitor, loss of self
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 14:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4439111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GorillaInTheMist/pseuds/GorillaInTheMist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Solas reflects upon his relationship with Elaine after the events of As If That Explains It. Then, his first interactions upon returning from Crestwood are outlined...and boy is everyone pissed!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Solas Explains

She is gone and I am lost.

In the beginning, I had not thought to avoid her. How sad am I that the possibility of falling in love did not even cross my mind. Who could love one such as me? How could the villain that I am give himself over to love? She was such a pretty little thing, such a silly little girl, and oh, how I wanted to possess her. I had caught her scent and how sweet it was. I was only permitted a rousing taste before we were brought back into Thedas. My mask needed to be worn well. It did not permit me to take her outright. No, this would be a game of patience and maneuvering. I was determined to slake my thirst for her.

Little did I know that she would pierce my heart. 

My anger overcame me at the onset of her arrival; damn these mortals who interrupt my desire. It was, however, played well. In hurting her delicate soul, I was able to reform it in the Fade during her imprisonment. I must say that my fury at her being taken was genuine; she was so young and stupid, and she was mine to protect. How dare they take her from me?! The day of her release, I barely kept the wolf at bay. She was injured and clearly traumatized. All within the estate needed to pay. Her foolishness took me from that goal as she ran to the side of a dying man. She had little to no sense of self preservation. Something in me started to soften; perhaps she was not as thoughtless as I had assumed.

This would not do. I resolved to play my part better.  I would take her and no more.

Adamant was a mistake with her, one for which I would pay dearly. The sweet girl had not realized that I would be at the heart of fight; she did not know the power I yield. As I did my best to gently ease her distress, my tongue slipped and revealed to her my desire. I had planned to leave it at that, to leave her wondering, but such are the plans of mice and men. Suddenly, her lips were crashing into mine. It was wrong. It was stimulating. It set my blood on fire. My resolve to separate myself crumbled momentarily and I took her lips with mine. The Inquisitor, all of them, would see where her allegiances laid. I saw my mistake reflected in her love glazed eyes; I told her I had considerations and she understood. What a fool am I? She was certainly more than a silly girl, no she was a woman with desires of her own. Perhaps, I had miscalculated.

I walked the physical Fade, if only I was in the possession of the orb. The whole ordeal would have been resolved. Fen’Harel would be free from his Solas shaped mask. I could take all that I sought; would she tremble in fear before the God? Alas, this was not to be.

Her happiness at seeing me after the battle was charming; her words: soft and kind. She was too forgiving, too beautiful. I wanted to finally mark her as my own. It was easy to convince her to take me to her bed; she had desperately craved me for weeks. I made her cry out with abandon, I left marks, I covered her with my seed. There would be no doubt in the morning of to whom she belonged.  The wolf curled back up deep within me: satiated.

In the morning, I felt her soft skin beneath me. For the first time in thousands of years, I felt peace as I awoke. This was unexpected. This needed to end. Now. She was getting too close. She was too tempting. Even now the memory of her cries from that first night stir my baser desires. This could change nothing. My mission needed to remain unaffected.

She sent me out of her sight as she should have. It should have been over. I should have been satisfied with my partial claiming and continued with the goal at large. The next I saw her was with that damned Commander. He had the gall to touch her, to make her laugh like a young girl. The Inquisitor seemed to approve of the lesson we stumbled upon. She blushed like a maiden when the man bid her farewell. She was certainly no maiden. I, myself, had just lain in her sinful bed. No, my pride was too strong.

Playing her courting game was most enjoyable. I had slumbered for thousands of years, a few weeks of indulging her was nothing. The rewards would be worth it. I had never had to fight for a lover, in the past women would crawl over each other for a spot in my bed. The challenge was quaint. She would fall to me, eventually. I had always keenly observed her, as one does its prey, making tokens of affection simple to cobble together. The smallest effort was rewarded with her approval. It was almost sad for her to think she was worth so little: a sketch here, a scrap of paper with a message there and she was pleased. With the help of Cole, she was mine again. It excited now excited me when I could make her happy.

The Inquisitor tried to punish her kindess; to judge her for her mercy. She was nothing, if not merciful. The relief I felt at her returning to my arms was bewildering. When had this happened? When had she lodged herself so deep within me? Perhaps it was no longer a game. Still, I made sure to make her scream for me. I wanted them to hear. I left patterns of love on her body that would be visible when she dressed. She wholly belonged to me now: her heart and her body…and I realized that I belonged to her too. Imprudent wolf. 

Events only deepened my love for her. There is nothing to call it, but love. The day I revealed it to her was a day that I used it to my advantage. She had started to pry about the Gods, specifically about me. I needed to throw her off, so I told her that I loved her in words that she understood. Before, I had said it for my own satisfaction, as if I were testing the feeling. It is not that the feeling was untrue, but it was certainly convenient at the time. Part of me had hoped that she would not return my feelings, she could find another. I am no fool, I could see how she interacted with the Commander. It was only a matter of time. My soft heart began to only want her happiness: something I could never truly give her.

Many things could have awaited me at the Temple of Mythal. I was furious that Elaine was being permitted to come along. She should never have been involved in any of the battles that she had. She was too good to be tainted by this horror. I could find no indication of what awaited us at the temple; all could be well, but just as easily my mask could be pulled away. I knew that she would need to be disposed of from my life, but I wasn’t ready to lose her, not yet.

The Red Templars threatened not to give me a choice. Something snapped in me as I so easily took the life of the one who wounded her, I did not deem him worthy enough to waste my mana on. The look of abject horror in her eyes after I broke his neck only reminded me of the monster that I truly am. She quickly recovered from the shock, but I knew the seeds of distrust may have been sown. She was a clever woman. To make matters worse, the revelation that I was an Ancient did not scare her in the way it should. Of course it would not, she was not one to fear misfits.

Then, she almost died. It was stupid of me to not notice her pallor or the unsteadiness of her movements. She was mortal, delicate, and she was almost gone. As soon as I returned from meeting Mythal with the Inquisitor I all but ran to her room, the fool that I am, drunk on her love. The image that awaited me fractured part of my softened self; she was in a most intimate embrace with the Commander, something which I had hoped for. I heard their words. They were in love. An unfamiliar sting came to my eyes as I fought away tears. How novel. I was unnoticed. I resolved to bathe myself before returning as if nothing had happened.

She was clearly distraught. I expected her to leave me. It would be better that way. Instead, she surprised me again. She told me she loved me. I suppose she spurned the Commander for my own company. She gave herself to me. I was nearly dizzy with joy. We returned to her rooms and dreamed of my youth. She was enamored with what was, with me. In the early hours of the morning, we made love for what I knew would be the last time. I memorized every possible piece of her.

That night, the night before I took her away, I loved her like she was the very air I breathe. She was precious, special. Elaine slept in my arms so peacefully, but the Fade eluded me for the small time before the world woke. In the moonlight, I noticed the cut left behind from her wound was all but absorbing all the light near it, inflamed as it was; it sang softly to me. It could only mean one thing: she had been infected with the Blight. It was too early for the Warden Anders to notice, but with my enhanced senses, I saw the truth. She needed to go. It was time to send her away from this world. She needed to be where the Blight did not exist; there was no cure as of yet.  I am irrevocably in love with her. Harm cannot come to her, not due to my actions. Hurting her, losing her, disappointing her…it would kill me just as surely as the awoken Pantheon.

Even if I were able to make her well, she had no place in the future I was to construct. Based on her saving of Anders, she would forgive me for my past. She would resolve to love me no matter what. However, she would not permit me to reform a world by force; she was an avid protector of the people. As such, she would not willingly be my queen. Once my orb was reclaimed, the Inquisition was disposable. While I enjoyed the company of its members, it was not enough to save it. They would surely attempt to stop me. If I did not bring her with me, she would be with them as I destroyed them. I could not hurt her.

I could not keep her here and betray myself, betray my goals, betray The People.

Her cries as I forced her from reality broke what was left of my heart. She was my everything. I banished away my only chance at salvation. It was her only chance at survival.

* * *

I come back two days later, as promised. I had never said that she would be with me when I returned. We had left on one hart under the guise that she was still not a fit equestrian, but my true aim was simply that one mount was simpler for me to handle once I was alone.

From the roof, Sera seems confused by my being alone. She quickly disappears, and I know that the explosion will come soon. I deserve their wrath. I am an awful excuse for a man.

I take to my atrium and unload my bags before stepping into the Great Hall.

“Apostate!” I hear ring out in the large room. The assortment of nobles quickly quiet themselves; a show is about to begin. “Where is my sister?!”

I stand tall with my hands behind my back, my usual stance, as the red faced Inquisitor stomps toward me. The Commander is at his side along with the Seeker. This just gets better and better. I say nothing.

“I will not ask you again.” The Inquisitor warns as he invades my space.

It takes all my control to maintain my steely exterior, inside I am shattered. “She is home.” I say matter of fact-ly.

The Commander pales, but it is Cassandra who speaks. “What do you mean she is home?”

“I mean exactly what I say. She has been sent away.” I sound like I could be describing the rising of the sun, not the banishment of my heart.

Elias springs forward, punching me in the face hard enough to send me to the ground. “You fucking killed her!” He screams, joining me on the cold stone floor. He straddles my chest and continuously beats me as he yells profanities. “Fucking murderer! I never trusted you!”

The ferocity with which he attacks me shocks the other two warriors, though, perhaps they found my beating just. They certainly should have. As I’m losing vision due to rapid swelling in one eye, Elias is finally dragged off of me, “I’ll kill you, you bastard!” Each of his arms is being held back, restraining him.

“Inquisitor!” Cassandra shouts. “Calm yourself.”

I sit up, but remain on the floor, lest I be tackled again. “I assure you, she is still living.”

“I don’t believe a world that comes out of your lying mouth, knife-ear!” He growls. I flinch a little at his use of racial slur. I had thought he felt as such the entirety of our acquaintance, but to hear him say it is unsettling. Elaine would be displeased.

Cullen has been remarkably quiet. I can almost see him straining to keep himself together. I am well aware of how he loved her. “She kept vials of her blood in the Undercroft, did she not?” He says slowly. “Give…give me a moment.” He stops for a second and puts a hand on the Inquisitor’s arm. “Don’t kill him, not until we know if she is dead. She loved him, Elias.” He runs down to the Undercroft and then up to the library once he retrieved her vial.

Dorian and Anders run out of the door to the library. “Solas!” Dorian looks around, probably for Elaine, to see if she is really gone. “What have you done?” He sounds despondent. Anders takes a few strong steps forward, perhaps another attack awaits me. Dorian grabs his wrist and shakes his head; it stops the man.

When Cullen finally comes back her vial of blood glows in his hand. “She _is_ still alive.” He sounds almost desperately happy.

Anders looks at Cullen with disgust. “You made her phylactery?!”

Dorian squeezes Ander’s wrist. “That’s brilliant. Templars use them to track mages. She is a mage, Cullen is a Templar. He can use her blood to sense her presence.” His brainstorm is cut off by a pointed look from Anders. It would be unwise to allow me to see their plans.

Elias shakes Cassandra off of him and stands tall. His anger is still very much present. “Guards, take this traitor to the dungeons.” A number of men step forward to escort me. If I tried, I could easily escape, but I deserve to be punished. I should be hated by those who loved her most.

I hate myself.

The guards literally throw me into a particularly small cell. The show in the hall had not gone unnoticed by them. All of Skyhold basked in her unusual brightness. I would notice guards smile as she would giggle, running through the yard with Sera, Cole, or Dorian. She was the beloved little sister of all of the Inquisition and, in their eyes, I’ve killed her.

I sit alone in the dark chamber for an unknowable amount of time…it seems they are having a difficult time deciding what to do with me. I resolve to visit the Fade and escape from my claustrophobic setting.

The Fade does not offer me the respite I had hoped. It is inundated with memories of her; her smiles and laughter. The way that her eyes twinkled when she teased me. The way her skin felt against mine. The terror in her voice as I sent her away.

I’m awoken by a slam at my door. The offender is shadowed, but anyone would be able to recognize the outline of the Commander. He waits for me to show that I’m paying attention to him. “The Inquisitor has labeled you as a traitor. In time, you will be judged as such. After much debate, it was made clear that your research might prove invaluable to the Inquisition. Any materials relevant to such pursuits will be brought to you for study.”

The tension in his voice is almost painful; his air of professionalism that he is so proud of does him well. I am pleased that the more reasonable side of the Inquisition won out, though I have no doubt that the Inquisitor was calling for my head. “Ah, I see cooler heads prevailed. I assume the Inquisitor called for more violent measures. Do you wish for my death as well?”

His outline softens, “She would not approve of such violence.”

 “Indeed she would not.” I sigh and rest my head back against the cold stone wall. She influenced the Inquisition much more than she believed.

“She…trusted you. How could you do that to her?” He runs an angry hand through his hair.

“Elaine needed to be protected.” The wolf inside can’t help but goad the man who stole away part of my lover’s heart. “She fell prey to men like us.”

He slams his hands against the door of my cell, causing a deafening clank. “I am _nothing_ like you. I _love_ her, which is more than you can claim.”

I spin the ring around my finger, attempting to ground myself. “I love her, more than you could possibly understand.”

“Your actions betray you. You love yourself and no one else.” He is slowly regaining his hard fought control.

Part of me wishes to assuage his fears, to try to make him understand. “Cullen…”

“No!” He barks. “I will not be spoken to so familiarly by a prisoner. You will refer to me by my title; I am the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces. You, apostate, will pay for your crimes.” The Commander turns on a heel and starts to march out of the dungeon.

Perhaps he is right, I’ve only really ever loved myself. No.  I love her. I love her more than I’ve ever loved anything.

“Commander!” I call out. The footsteps pause. “She was blighted from the attack at the Temple.”

The Commander’s armor clanks a bit, but then the footsteps continue away. He has no reason to believe me.

She deserved better.

At least she is safe.

And I will bide my time.

Whoever Solas was is dead. I am steeled and alone.

I am the Dread Wolf and nothing can stop me now.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that this sort of helps explain where Solas is as well as what was behind his motivations for the story thus far. He is not a great guy. However, he sort of falls for his own game and ends up in love...but his goals cannot be put aside; he must continue with everything the way he had planned. So, he breaks himself and sends her away. 
> 
> Sorry this is a bit more verbose than my usual writing! I hope it's not too much! 
> 
> P.S thanks for not murdering me! <3   
> P.S.S Like I said before, I'm going to be internet less until next Wednesday (ugh). I'll be working on some stuff, but if you have any random scenes you want written comment down below and I'll probably write it!


End file.
